For as long as I can remember, I never quite fit "the mold". Maybe you can relate to this, maybe this makes no sense. While this post has nothing to do with fashion, clothes wise, it has everything to do with the impact that fashion has had on me.
Being different. I've become accustomed to this, for lack of better words, concept. I am different, unique so to speak, always have been. I march to my own drummer, I walk with my head in the clouds, I live in my own world. People in both my inner and outer circles can easily spot this about me from a mile away. Not really understanding what I am trying to say? Let me set the scene for you.
It is a beautiful day. Well, about as beautiful as it can get in the month of May in the Midwest. Grey skies and rolling clouds filled the sky, but the air was cool instead of humid which was nice! Anyways, my friends and I are getting our senior photos taken. Curious if she could pin point our personalities based on the way that we carried ourselves during the shoot, we asked her if she could identify each of our "standout" traits, so to speak. The photographer laughs, then agrees. She looks around at all seven of us standing there for a moment. Then, she turns to me, and pegged my persona spot on.
Motioning toward me she says,"you, you revolve in your own world. When there is a group, you are likely the one to always walk alone, usually a couple yards behind the rest. You live in your own world, don't you?" I mean, yeah, she is right. I usually am behind the group, not just because I am a slow walker, but because I like to notice and take in what I am surrounded by. I like to be in the present moment, rather than rushing to be somewhere else. I also do revolve in my own world. I have a lot of questions, about a lot of things, which leads me to contemplate them silently, leaving me on a planet of my own.
Maybe it's a super power. Maybe, I think differently than others because I am just so gifted. Maybe, but maybe not. So, what makes me so different?
I am not entirely sure why I am the way that I am. I mean, is anyone really 100% certain of what makes them who they are? I have always heard that I am very unique, which is a compliment if you take it as one. As I have observed my mannerisms and characteristics over the last few years, a few things have come to mind.
I stopped apologizing. I accepted the fact that I was unique. I stopped saying sorry for who I was, I stopped filtering myself. I stopped changing myself, regardless of who I surround myself with. A gift at times, and quite the opposite others, but both of which have taught me some valuable lessons. I realized, the people who love you unconditionally don't expect you to dull yourself or turn down your volume no matter who you are with. In other words, I am 100% myself no matter who I am with. Who I am on Tuesday with one group of people is exactly the same as who I am on Wednesday with a completely different group of people.
For clarification, yes I have manners and yes I am an extremely polite person, but that is not the point. What I am talking more about is not at all about manners, and more about fitting a social scene. Confused about what I am trying to say? Probably. Try to think about it like this.
We all wear masks, the sister, the only child, the student, the teacher, the athlete, the jokester (still put to good use), etc. Early on, I used to switch out my masks based on the crowd that I was with. However, that is no longer the case.
See, I learned to just accept my strong personality, and be unapologetically myself no matter who I was around. Once I stopped apologizing, I learned a lot quickly. Some will love you harder, and others don't really care for you and your persona much at all. But you know what? Both are okay. My dad always told me that you are considered extremely, extremely lucky if you come to the end of your road with three best friends in your entire life. Once I began embracing my authenticity, I finally understood what my dad was saying all of these years.
I stopped caring about what other people think. This took time, a lot of it, and sometimes I still struggle with this. I realized that once I stopped apologizing I didn't have to care about what others think, because at the end of the day people who love you will love you, and those that don't love you don't know you well enough. Relax, that's just a joke. I am kidding. Look, I am an acquired taste, and that is fine. Some people just will not like me, and that is more than okay. At the end of the day, just be nice to everyone you encounter. You truly never know what they are battling. If someone says something about you or your character, do your best to try and not take their words to heart. It took us all a long time and many versions of ourselves to get to where we are today, so be gentle and kind to yourself, even if it feels like no one else is.
I began to accept. I can't be 100% flawless all the time. I realized that once I stopped apologizing I didn't have to care about what others think, because at the end of the day people who love you will love you, and those that don't love you don't know you well enough. Relax, that's just a joke. I am kidding. Look, I am an acquired taste, and that is fine. Some people just will not like me, and that is more than okay. At the end of the day, just be nice to everyone you encounter. You truly never know what they are battling. If someone says something about you or your character, do your best to try and not take their words to heart. It took us all a long time and many versions of ourselves to get to where we are today, so be gentle and kind to yourself, even if it feels like no one else is.
At some point, I realized that I can't be 100% flawless all the time. Actually, that would be so boring. Instead, I believe that it is my flaws that are what make me so different, so unique. One of my roommates put it perfectly. She said "somehow you can be the most disheveled mess and put together person in the room while simultaneously greeting every moment with a childlike disposition with a touch of seriousness".
Find a community. There are people out there who will love you no matter who you are. Maybe you have a group that you associate with now, or maybe you are still looking. The community that you will feel most comfortable with will be able to hold space for you no matter what. They will make room for you to find yourself, and they will make room for you to be yourself. Many times, you are a reflection of who you surround yourself with. Make sure they love you for who you are.
It took me until last summer to truly find out who I was. While I was amidst trying to understand myself better, I found myself in Yoga Teacher Training. Pushed to my limit, I found who I was, and who I wanted to be. I would not have been able to come to this realization about myself without my family from that month in Costa Rica. They held the space for me, which was the greatest gift I could have ever asked for. When I came home, my parents and those who I would call my best friends continued to hold space for me to continue to find myself, which was no quick journey.
Begin Again. There is a beautiful quote about every breath is an opportunity to begin again, and that is exactly right. Every conscious breath allows the opportunity to take a look at ourselves and ask if we are expressing ourselves in the best way possible. Are we moving towards what makes us happiest, or are we sacrificing that daily, resulting in complacency? Once I realized I could begin again, and be the person I knew I could, my whole perspective changed.
When the day is over, and you rest your head on your pillow and shut your eyes. Ask yourself if you are happy with the version of yourself that you presented to the world today. Life is beautiful, but it is also fragile. Do not take precious moments for granted. Be yourself, no one else can be you like you. That is a gift, never forget that.
with love always.
xx,
sunshine
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